It's a, "Stay in your pajamas," kind of day.
Actually, it's a sleep in, try to get financial aid and other chores done, fail at that endeavor, watch a silly movie, shower, put on DIFFERENT pajamas, and go to your mom's house to try again.
Turns out, it's also a, "Tell Mom your plans and hear supportive things," kind of day. I've had worse days.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Sunday, January 12, 2014
What's Ambition?
I think I'm crazy.
I don't have a job and I need a job, but I don't WANT a job. At all. People ask me what I'm going to do now, and all I can think of is things like: finish the book I'm reading, clean my bathroom, dye my hair, write a few things down, decide on a costume for Comic Con, etc. What I'd really like is to go back to school full time. I hope I can make that happen.
I'm 31. I just joined a family ward instead of a singles ward. It makes me feel old, which makes me feel even sillier for not wanting a job and for wanting to dye my hair bright blue. It's like part of me wants to have my 20s because I slept through them. Maybe I will get to in some way.
I've never been ambitious. In every job I've ever had, I've never wanted to advance. I didn't want to become a supervisor or a boss, not even for a bigger pay check. This is the closest to ambitious I've felt in a long time. I want school. I want silliness. I want to say, "Screw it," to all the things that hold me back; all my inhibitions.
I want to be happy.
I don't have a job and I need a job, but I don't WANT a job. At all. People ask me what I'm going to do now, and all I can think of is things like: finish the book I'm reading, clean my bathroom, dye my hair, write a few things down, decide on a costume for Comic Con, etc. What I'd really like is to go back to school full time. I hope I can make that happen.
I'm 31. I just joined a family ward instead of a singles ward. It makes me feel old, which makes me feel even sillier for not wanting a job and for wanting to dye my hair bright blue. It's like part of me wants to have my 20s because I slept through them. Maybe I will get to in some way.
I've never been ambitious. In every job I've ever had, I've never wanted to advance. I didn't want to become a supervisor or a boss, not even for a bigger pay check. This is the closest to ambitious I've felt in a long time. I want school. I want silliness. I want to say, "Screw it," to all the things that hold me back; all my inhibitions.
I want to be happy.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Crossroads
Back in November I lost my horrible job.
Almost immediately, sensations I didn't even realize I'd lost returned to my extremities and food started tasting better. Within a few weeks I had healthier bowels and I started to feel the warmth of empathy returning to my soul. I think my hair is thicker. My smile comes more easily. Slowly, light is returning to the blood in my veins and mine eyes can see the glory.
It was as if a weight was lifted off of my shoulders, admittedly just as another was put on (WhatDoIDoNow???), but any relief at losing a job is a sign that it was the wrong job. I already knew that.
So the question is: what do I do now?
My brother-in-law found me a nice temp job. There isn't even a phone at the desk, which is pretty close to heaven for me. I'm enjoying it, but it'll be over eventually and I wouldn't want to stay there forever even if I could.
I'm afraid of wasting more time. I hated customer service for years but I stayed. It was the hell I knew. I don't want to jump into another job just to pay the bills and get stuck again. The thing about time wasting is I'm already really good at it, so I should work on some other skills now. What I really need to do is go back to school, so I'm setting some goals with time limits on them.
I want to write. I want to make a career of that somehow. I'm afraid that I may not be good enough, but it's what I want. I haven't really persued it because I'm scared, but not trying hasn't made me happy so I'll try trying instead.
One of my goals for 2014 is to publish a blog entry at least once per week. If I miss a week I have to make it up. If I do extra in a week, it can't count toward a future week. This means you'll be hearing from me more often, whoever you are. Thanks for reading.
Almost immediately, sensations I didn't even realize I'd lost returned to my extremities and food started tasting better. Within a few weeks I had healthier bowels and I started to feel the warmth of empathy returning to my soul. I think my hair is thicker. My smile comes more easily. Slowly, light is returning to the blood in my veins and mine eyes can see the glory.
It was as if a weight was lifted off of my shoulders, admittedly just as another was put on (WhatDoIDoNow???), but any relief at losing a job is a sign that it was the wrong job. I already knew that.
So the question is: what do I do now?
My brother-in-law found me a nice temp job. There isn't even a phone at the desk, which is pretty close to heaven for me. I'm enjoying it, but it'll be over eventually and I wouldn't want to stay there forever even if I could.
I'm afraid of wasting more time. I hated customer service for years but I stayed. It was the hell I knew. I don't want to jump into another job just to pay the bills and get stuck again. The thing about time wasting is I'm already really good at it, so I should work on some other skills now. What I really need to do is go back to school, so I'm setting some goals with time limits on them.
I want to write. I want to make a career of that somehow. I'm afraid that I may not be good enough, but it's what I want. I haven't really persued it because I'm scared, but not trying hasn't made me happy so I'll try trying instead.
One of my goals for 2014 is to publish a blog entry at least once per week. If I miss a week I have to make it up. If I do extra in a week, it can't count toward a future week. This means you'll be hearing from me more often, whoever you are. Thanks for reading.
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